A Piece of Peace by Angela Miller

Credit:Angela Miller

Oh p e a c e–
let’s be honest,
you know that
most days I
loathe you
only because
I can’t seem
to find you
anywhere–
not in the light
not in the darkness
not in the heart
of my circumstance
but–

They say you’ll
be found
if only I
ask for you,
pray for you,
believe in you,
search for you,
wait for you,
and hold onto
the hope of you
that eludes me.

Or–
if only I could
wait looooong enough
for my other
best friend
t i m e
to follow through
by bringing you
(in a dreamy
special delivery box)
once someone
decides that
I’ve suffered
enough years
without you.

Or–
maybe if I
invite you over
for a warm
cuppa tea
with a hand-made
invitation
and sit across
the table from you
and stare at you–
longingly,
lovingly,
beckoning you closer
until you can’t
resist–
maybe then
you’ll come back
to me again?

Or–
maybe if I
stir your eternal
calming sweetness
into my cup
sipping on you
s l o w l y,
with deliberation
might you then
trickle your
lovely warmth
back through me
drop by drop,
quenching
my parched and
weary soul?

Or–
if only I could
fill-in-the-blank
with you
then surely you
wouldn’t hesitate
to flood
the depths of my
restless heart
with your endless
presents.

But really,
p e a c e
let’s be honest–
sometimes the only
piece of peace
to be found is
the peace
of knowing
that you may never
find me again,
nor I, you–
not even in
the most
cursory glance,
not even in
our most
ardent dreams
of being reunited
again.

I’ve learned
that some things
lost
can never be
found,

No matter how
hard we try,
no matter how
long we look–

Some things
will forever
remain tortuously
unsettling,
unable to be
healed by
the balm
of your grace.

So even though
it pains me
to admit it,
s l o w l y,
ever so slowly
I am
more and more
at peace
with your seeming
lack of existence,
oh p e a c e,
and the lousy
piece
that you sometimes
really are.

Bio: 

Angela Miller is the mother of three boys, two she gets to hold in her arms, and one she forever holds in her heart. Though the pain of her loss is ever-palpable, the infectious joy of her two living miracles & graciously supportive husband, gives her the strength to carry on– while also reminding her to soak up each precious moment for all it’s worth.

Angela enjoys writing, photography, kickboxing and loves connecting with other childloss mamas.  Last spring, she started a group called Bereaved Mamas, where she leads weekly events and a monthly grief support group to connect and give hope to other moms suffering the loss of a child.

 

 

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