Artist Statement:
I wrote both of these pieces in 2011, just a few months apart from one another. “Just Believe” (found on the left side of the screen) was written as I was bottoming out emotionally after years of grieving my son, suffering through unexpected secondary infertility, and two years on a disappointing adoption journey. I was angry, bitter, and exhausted.
“Redefining belief” (found on the right side of the screen) was written after getting the shock of our lives when a pregnancy test turned positive after three years of infertility! Suddenly I felt the universe had softened it’s grip upon me, some of the negativity dissipated, and I was able to in turn soften my definition of belief. Belief remains a struggle but one that no longer fills me with rage and resentment.
The drawings are my creative outpouring of the emotions I expressed through words in the writings about belief. The drawing on the left, depicting despair and death of belief, was drawn in 2011 during my depression. The drawing on the right, depicting hope and believing in the moment, was drawn in 2012, after the birth of our rainbow baby.
Bio:
Amy McCarter lives in North Carolina with her husband, son Seamus, and two dogs. Their first son, Liam, was born alive and apparently healthy on September 25, 2007, and was the joy of their lives. Liam died soon after birth due to unexplained/unknown causes, shattering their world and their hearts. Amy uses art and writing as an expression and release of her grief, and a way to honor the memory of her little man who is missed beyond words. She and her husband welcomed their long awaited rainbow baby boy in April 2012! She maintains a blog showcasing her artistic creations and crafty notions at Surviving the Day Everyday (www.ourbabyboy25everyday.
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I’ve quietly adored Amy all through my grief journey – and followed along with (rather less good!) trees of my own. I was just so glad to see life loosen it’s miserable grip and grant her some joy
thank you so much for this very powerful read. Belief really does change, and you illustrate so well how it keeps shifting after loss. The darkness eases, but for me the “just believe” or “have faith that all will be well” things people want to say to comfort us can still be jagged and hollow. Belief really has become more about embracing the mystery and the moment, and that can be so hard to explain to my friends who haven’t lost. Thank you for this description of how that feels– it really resonates with me.